Thursday, April 23, 2020

Gratitude, Memories and Heartache

Today I am going down memory lane a bit.

Today would have been Momma's 109th birthday.  She was born in 1911 and passed in 2001. Can you imagine all the changes, both good and bad, she experienced in life?  It is something to think about.  I know the world has changed tremendously in my life - but it was even more so in hers.  I miss her and her gentle way.
Tomorrow would have been Daddies 106th birthday.  Born in 1914 and passed in 1984.  He was such a rock in our family - the strong and steady force we all needed.  I miss all his advice and guidance.  Not a day goes by that I don't remember some lessons learned.
No matter how much time goes by - we miss our parents.  I am so glad I had the ones I did.

Today, is one year since my world changed forever.  My dear sweet big old teddy bear of a hubby went so unexpectedly and quickly to be with the Lord.
God, I miss him with every fiber of my being.  I miss everything about him and our life together - good and bad.
I wish I had found him earlier in life - but I am so grateful for the 34 years we did spend together.  Had we come together earlier, we would not have been the people we were and things may not have played out as they did.  I sure do believe that everything in life happens for a reason - there are no accidents.
A year ago, I had no idea how I could possible go forward.  It has been hard and sad and an adjustment I wouldn't wish on anyone.  But I do have days where I laugh now, I do have days where I sit and cry, and I always have days full of wonderful memories!!
This was the evening of our wedding in 1986 (with my Mom).  I have to say this is the only time I ever saw Glen in a proper suit!  He wore sport coats and nice pants if he HAD 
to - but never a suit again!!   He surely was not a suit kind of guy!  Good golly we look so young!!!
Here he is chilling and being 'sexy' at the camper we had.  LOL.  Jeans, sweatshirts and a ballcap was his normal mode of dress.  We used to have such fun camping.  We had so many good times together.

I am not posting this today for sympathy - I am posting to share my heart and to offer hope to others who have gone through the same thing.  I know many of you here have lost a spouse and sadly, many more will someday.  It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through - but I am still here.
I have lost many in life - this being the worst pain of all.  I know there are many who have lost a child out there, and I can not even fathom that pain.
It is amazing what having faith and the Lord in my life has allowed me.  It has let me rise up and go forward - moment by moment - but forward.
I have to go on.  Nothing will ever be the same - ever.  I now know I will NEVER EVER tell someone again "I know how you feel".  NO, no one does - even if they have lost a spouse.  Everyone has different feelings and a different life experience that is very personal and singular to just you.  
It is ok to be angry.  It is ok to cry.  It is ok feel lonely.  It is ok to smile and laugh again.  It is OK - there is no right or wrong way to feel.
Just live your best life to honor those who have gone.  They deserve that.  They would want that.  Be the person they would want and live the life they would like you to have.

This saying is so true.  A part of you leaves forever, but a part stays and that is the part that we have to nurture and grow.  I remember everyday and I miss him everyday and I talk to him everyday - but I need to find myself too.
People ask what I want to do now - I don't know.  I was doing what I wanted to do. (This is an ongoing thing for me - figuring out this new life)
People say 'when things get back to normal' - it never will.  Life changed that day - and I can not expect it to "get back".  I am not who I was on 4/22/19 and never will be, as everything became different the next day.  I need to realize this and do what I need to, to go forward.  Whatever that is.

This is basically the first year in my 65 years that I have been alone.  I was at home with my parents, I moved out and lived with a friend, I got married, divorced (even then I spent most of my time with friends and with Mom) - then I met Glen.  We lived in the same apartment building and saw each other daily until we married.  I still feel him around me each and every day - I get little signs now and then too!  
Things DO get lonely.  I do know I have a wonderful supportive family and very good dear friends and a wonderful community here (you all) and that makes each and every day easier and better.

This blog has really saved me during this past year.  You have all been kind, loving and supportive and we share in good and bad, and we laugh with each other and we smile for each other and we cry for each other.
I hope this continues.  We are ALL BLESSED to have each other!!!!!!!!!

So hug your family.  Love them and your friends.  Don't take the little silly things for granted - all things are important.  Don't get all bent out of shape about small stuff.  ENJOY each and every day!
I hope this post HELPS someone going through some heartache right now.
No matter what you think - LIFE DOES GO ON.

I love you all.


50 comments:

  1. Thank you for your blog. Your words echo my feelings in so many ways. I lost my beautiful 27 year old daughter in an auto accident 7 years ago and I lost the 40 year love of my life to divorce 6 months ago. No matter the reason for the loss the pain is there. You aren't suppose to have to bury your children. I never in a million years thought I would find my myself 61 and alone. All the plans that were made and the dreams that were dreamed. Yes, God is the ONLY reason that I have made it this far. Bless you for being so vulnerable in sharing your heart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can't even imagine the loss of a child. 40 years and divorce is basically like a death for you. God bless you.
      I never saw myself alone at this age either. We all know it will happen someday - but are never ready.
      Our God is awesome and He will guide us through each and everyday if we allow Him too.
      Thank you for understanding and for your kinds words. HUGS my friend. God bless. Reach out if you ever need a shoulder!

      Delete
  2. I can barely breath reading this, my heart aches for you so much. My eyes are tearing up. I can't imagine how anyone survives the loss. This is why it is important to be mindful
    as we go thru our daily lives. We never know what burdens the people we encounter every day are carrying.
    I read your blog all the time and love it. Your such a positive person, In light of what's going on in all of our daily lives your advice is timely and needed. I'm sixty years old, frugal and I still learn things from you all the time.
    Thank you for blog, it's a bright spot in my day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh so true about being mindful of everyone we encounter. We absolutely never know what others are going through. Especially today - life is hard for many with no jobs or working and needing to stay away family - just so much happening. We all have our own life stories and they aren't always pretty.
      I am so glad you are here. I learn from everyone as well. I guess it goes to show, we are never to old to learn. Daddy used to ask me EVERY day - "what did you learn today?"
      Thank you for being here.

      Delete
  3. Love the pictures! I'm glad that you have happy memories. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. You have helped many people with your blog.
    Sending hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kathy. I hope this helps someone. We all need one another.

      Delete
  4. Thank you so much for your heartfelt post.

    May the Lord continue to give you and all your readers peace and strength.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I just want others going through a tough time to know that they aren't alone.

      Delete
  5. At a loss for words...but I care very much! You have came to feel like a dear friend! It takes a very brave woman to share all this with us....we admire you so much! You share your caring and knowledge with us all. Please know, that we love you back!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Linda. We have grown to be a close group and I feel like I know each of my readers. We are 'sisters of life' and in this together.
      Blessings

      Delete
  6. I just remember your post after you lost Glen so well. I think about you often and prayed for you for a long while that you would find comfort after his death. You are important to me and I agonized over the pain you had to be in. I remember how hard it was after my daughter Franka died, people asked me how I got through it and All I could say was , I wasn't given a choice. Neither were you. Stay strong my friend he waits for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The prayers have all helped, I know. I am so sorry you lost a daughter - I didn't realize that. HUGS
      You are so correct - we have no choice. Just got to have faith and get back up.
      Yes we will be together again someday.

      Delete
  7. I'm sorry about the loss of your husband, your heart. I know how you feel and what you've gone through and continue to go through as I too lost mine in Nov., 2018. My husband was complaining of his back hurting that morning. Turns out it wasn't his back at all but a pulmonary embolism. I left the house and when I returned later, I found him on the floor. He was gone. 47 years and gone, just like that. I know he's with the Lord and no longer suffering (he had been diagnosed with PPMS Jan. of 2018) and that gets me through but I miss him more than words can say. Thank you for sharing that poem, it's so true. I'm coming on board a little late, but I will pray for you and your loss.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. Hugs to you my friend. One day at a time is all we can do.
      My husband had muscular dystrophy and could no longer walk, but was in decent health other than the MD. He had a massive heart attack one beautiful morning. I know now that he is healthy and can walk and run - that makes me smile!
      There is nothing that can prepare you for a sudden loss.

      I am so glad you came aboard - it seems it was meant to be. Prayers for you.

      Delete
    2. My husband was also in good health except for the PPMS. It was getting worse and more and more difficult for him to walk. I'm like you, both our husbands are "walking and leaping and praising God" right now! How wonderful that we can know this!

      Delete
  8. Cheryl you are an inspiration to us is so many ways with your posts. Thank you for writing today. Your words bring back good memories of those who have passed even when we shed tears. 34 years of good creates memories that are treasures. You are sharing a way to carry on.
    Love and Hugs
    Joy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Joy. I hope this helps someone.
      Oh so many good memories and laughs. Sometimes I just hear something and it makes me laugh cause it would be something he would do or say.
      Blessings

      Delete
  9. I remember thinking when my FIL died, 'After being married for 62 yrs., that's like amputating a body part.' I couldn't imagine my MILs pain and how she'd go on. Yet she did. When my Grandpa died, my Grandma gave up immediately. She lived the next 15 yrs just praying to die. It broke my heart twice. I spent a good part of my childhood living with them and they did so much for me. When I was finally old enough to take them out to breakfast after church, I had neither one. My grandma took to her bed and stared at the wall. She cared about nothing.
    She didn't even wanna go to my wedding so she didn't even though I begged.

    I'm glad that you keep working through the pain. I don't think you ever completely go 'thru it, but I think you learn to live with it. And find a new normal, whatever that is. Blessings to you, Cheryl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh how sad of grandma.
      No, I can't believe it will ever go away - we were basically one. I think it may just get manageable. No idea what the new normal will be - haven't found it yet.
      Thank you for words!

      Delete
  10. anniversaries are hard. xx keep going

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm sorry they are both gone. I love that you think of them and the valued lessons they gifted you.

    Oh my gosh and your hubby too. My heart hurts for you.

    I thank you for sharing your story of strength with us. And that you have days where you laugh again.

    I appreciate what you say about posting for others and I thank you for that. It feels to me like one of the hardest things to go through and when my turns comes I will remember string women like you who went through it. It does help.

    I love the part where you wrote, it's okay to be angry, cry, be lonely and smile again. That part teared me up, but in a good way.

    I also agree that things like this, life doesn't go back to normal but rather as you say, becomes a new life.

    Boy, Cheryl. This was a strong and inspiring and also moving post. Even though I'm new to your blog, I feel like I just got to know you better.

    Thank you for sharing, Ivy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your words.
      Nothing is the same, nor will it be, but we have to go on. Is it easy - nope. It is just something that must be done.
      I hope this helps someone know they aren't alone.
      Blessings.

      Delete
  12. What a beautiful post and tribute to your husband.

    Would you believe I also met my husband when we lived in the same apartment complex?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those apartments were great for meeting people!!!
      He was a great man, and I can never give him the tribute he deserves - but I try.
      Thank you

      Delete
  13. I'm glad you have made it through this past year. I've lost loved ones, and I agree--each situation is different. One day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time, with God's help...It's all I could ever do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so right. I have hear a day at a time - but you are right - one moment at a time.
      Baby steps.
      Grief shows we cared and loved.

      Delete
  14. thank you for this message from the heart. I can't believe it's been a year. We all send love, prayers, good vibs, etc to you. And this being the eve of my Farmer's 60th birthday, I will give him a big hug in honor of you and your love for your dh.
    And a hug for you **HUG**

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It seems like forever! I know I have so much love and caring here and I thank you all.
      Happy birthday farmer!!!!!!! Give him extra hugs and kisses!!!!!
      Thank you

      Delete
  15. Your post is lovely and touching...and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if you disliked April immensely. It's brought a lot of loss.

    I found your blog shortly after your husband passed away. You've been so strong, even through the pain. I'm sure Glen would be so very proud of you.

    Take care and stay well!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad you found your way here. Making him proud and living like he would want me to, is my main goal.
      Thank you

      Delete
  16. Cheryl, what a touching post. Your good sense, determination to be positive and see the good sides of things is a real inspiration to me. Thank you for your blog and sharing your life with us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glen used to call me Pollyanna!!!! LOL
      I have always tried to find the good in things - life would be miserable otherwise.
      Thanks for being here!!!

      Delete
  17. I am so sorry for your loss and admire your positive attitude. Your blog is so encouraging. Memories of loved ones who are
    gone can be so beautiful and bittersweet. May God bless you. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Terry. I hope the blog helps someone in some small way. If we help one - we have done something positive.
      Thankful for memories!
      Thank you for being here.

      Delete
  18. I cannot image what the last year has been like for you. Thank you for sharing your stories with us. Sending hugs and prayers to you today and always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. This isn't something I would wish on anyone.

      Delete
  19. Thank you for sharing. I dread the day this may happen. One of us will go before the other most likely. I am glad you have the Lord to lean on. May he hold you tightly. Nancy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Nancy. Yes, the Lord is my Savior totally.
      Good to see you!!!

      Delete
  20. What a wonderful post-full of so many truths and the baring of your soul. Life is never easy, is it? We have moments of great joy sometimes overshadowed by moments of even greater sorrow.
    You are a rock and have stood strong in the face of an unkind world. God bless you- and please Stay Safe- xo Diana
    ps. My mom was born in 1912...and my dad was born in 1897. He was 53 when I was born and died when I was 21. I still miss him......xo Diana

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. All we can do is be strong - otherwise we are giving up.
      We never stop missing them no matter how many years it has been. My Mom was 43 when she got pregnant with me - so I understand older parents! So sorry you lost him so young in your life.

      Delete
  21. I thought of you all last week...and Glen. I know I don't say it often, but I sure miss him, too. Even with Roger still here, I miss the old Roger. But glad he is still here, too. It is hard to explain how I feel. For so long after his stroke, you cannot imagine the fears I had every night. Knowing that some day we would be separated for real. I thought when he had his stroke, that I was going to have one, too. My heart actually felt like it was trying to break into. I had felt that twice before, and then once since...and that was when Neal texted me that day with Glen from the hospital. I always loved how he wanted to take care of every creature and it be fed and warm...I loved how I could put complete trust in what he said to try to fix stuff. I guess we will go on missing him...till we meet again.

    ReplyDelete