Gratitude, Memories and Heartache

Today I am going down memory lane a bit.

Today would have been Momma's 109th birthday.  She was born in 1911 and passed in 2001. Can you imagine all the changes, both good and bad, she experienced in life?  It is something to think about.  I know the world has changed tremendously in my life - but it was even more so in hers.  I miss her and her gentle way.
Tomorrow would have been Daddies 106th birthday.  Born in 1914 and passed in 1984.  He was such a rock in our family - the strong and steady force we all needed.  I miss all his advice and guidance.  Not a day goes by that I don't remember some lessons learned.
No matter how much time goes by - we miss our parents.  I am so glad I had the ones I did.

Today, is one year since my world changed forever.  My dear sweet big old teddy bear of a hubby went so unexpectedly and quickly to be with the Lord.
God, I miss him with every fiber of my being.  I miss everything about him and our life together - good and bad.
I wish I had found him earlier in life - but I am so grateful for the 34 years we did spend together.  Had we come together earlier, we would not have been the people we were and things may not have played out as they did.  I sure do believe that everything in life happens for a reason - there are no accidents.
A year ago, I had no idea how I could possible go forward.  It has been hard and sad and an adjustment I wouldn't wish on anyone.  But I do have days where I laugh now, I do have days where I sit and cry, and I always have days full of wonderful memories!!

This was the evening of our wedding in 1986 (with my Mom).  I have to say this is the only time I ever saw Glen in a proper suit!  He wore sport coats and nice pants if he HAD 

to - but never a suit again!!   He surely was not a suit kind of guy!  Good golly we look so young!!!

Here he is chilling and being 'sexy' at the camper we had.  LOL.  Jeans, sweatshirts and a ballcap was his normal mode of dress.  We used to have such fun camping.  We had so many good times together.

I am not posting this today for sympathy - I am posting to share my heart and to offer hope to others who have gone through the same thing.  I know many of you here have lost a spouse and sadly, many more will someday.  It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through - but I am still here.
I have lost many in life - this being the worst pain of all.  I know there are many who have lost a child out there, and I can not even fathom that pain.
It is amazing what having faith and the Lord in my life has allowed me.  It has let me rise up and go forward - moment by moment - but forward.

I have to go on.  Nothing will ever be the same - ever.  I now know I will NEVER EVER tell someone again "I know how you feel".  NO, no one does - even if they have lost a spouse.  Everyone has different feelings and a different life experience that is very personal and singular to just you.  

It is ok to be angry.  It is ok to cry.  It is ok feel lonely.  It is ok to smile and laugh again.  It is OK - there is no right or wrong way to feel.

Just live your best life to honor those who have gone.  They deserve that.  They would want that.  Be the person they would want and live the life they would like you to have.

This saying is so true.  A part of you leaves forever, but a part stays and that is the part that we have to nurture and grow.  I remember everyday and I miss him everyday and I talk to him everyday - but I need to find myself too.

People ask what I want to do now - I don't know.  I was doing what I wanted to do. (This is an ongoing thing for me - figuring out this new life)

People say 'when things get back to normal' - it never will.  Life changed that day - and I can not expect it to "get back".  I am not who I was on 4/22/19 and never will be, as everything became different the next day.  I need to realize this and do what I need to, to go forward.  Whatever that is.

This is basically the first year in my 65 years that I have been alone.  I was at home with my parents, I moved out and lived with a friend, I got married, divorced (even then I spent most of my time with friends and with Mom) - then I met Glen.  We lived in the same apartment building and saw each other daily until we married.  I still feel him around me each and every day - I get little signs now and then too!  

Things DO get lonely.  I do know I have a wonderful supportive family and very good dear friends and a wonderful community here (you all) and that makes each and every day easier and better.

This blog has really saved me during this past year.  You have all been kind, loving and supportive and we share in good and bad, and we laugh with each other and we smile for each other and we cry for each other.

I hope this continues.  We are ALL BLESSED to have each other!!!!!!!!!

So hug your family.  Love them and your friends.  Don't take the little silly things for granted - all things are important.  Don't get all bent out of shape about small stuff.  ENJOY each and every day!

I hope this post HELPS someone going through some heartache right now.

No matter what you think - LIFE DOES GO ON.

I love you all.